In Jewish tradition, we know that death is the final part of life – a migration from one home to another. Despite traditions that help us understand this, adults still have trouble explaining it to young minds. While it may be challenging, explaining death to your child is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. Here are a few ways to speak to your children on this topic to support your child’s healthy development towards maturity.
Check in With Yourself
Before you sit your child down, check in with yourself first. Do you feel ready to discuss death? Are you feeling emotional because of the recent death of a loved one? What are you comfortable sharing? What is developmentally appropriate to share? What questions do you think they’ll ask? While we can’t put off this conversation forever, it’s important to think through what you want to say and how you want to say it. Preparing this way ensures you model a mature understanding of death for your child. Most importantly, it’s okay to ask for help if you don’t feel ready to do this on your own.
Be Honest
While your explanation should be tailored to your child’s stage of development, it is important to be honest about what death is – even with toddlers. Ideally, this should be done before someone close passes away. Seeing examples of death in nature, like squashed bugs or a fallen tree or family goldfish can be benign opportunities to discuss the concept of death in general. When death occurs in your family, your child deserves to know and understand its finality.
Admit What You Don’t Know
We have many responsibilities as parents. Having all the answers isn’t one of them. It is okay to tell your child “I don’t know,” when they ask questions about what death is like, what happens afterward. Admitting that death remains a mystery even for adults can build trust and help them grow into maturity. But while we may not have all the answers, our beliefs can offer guidance, support and comfort.
Consider Your Spiritual Beliefs
Whether you believe in have a faith tradition or none at all, your beliefs can provide a helpful framework for discussing death. Taking time to reflect on your own beliefs with your co-parent, grandparents and other family members can help you decide what to share with your child in an age appropriate way. Understanding that death is a part of life and its context in a belief system provides a framework to help children develop their own understanding in time.
Listen Carefully
Children of all ages react differently discussing death. Younger children may have many many follow up questions. Older children may want to express large emotions or withdraw to process them on their own. No matter your child’s reaction, it is important to show them you’re listening to them. Take time to consider answers. Repeat back what they’ve said to you so you show you can be sure you understood them. Ask questions about what they’re thinking and feeling so they feel safe to explore it with you.
Leave the Conversation Open
Talking about death is an ongoing conversation. It is impossible to discuss everything in one interaction. As you give your child space to process death on their own, let them know you’re a safe person to discuss it with as they form their own opinions and beliefs. While we may not always know what to say, by just being there for our children we are already fulfilling one of our most fundamental duties as parents.
