Exploring Shivah: A Sacred Space for Grief, Memory, and Healing

April 3, 2025
Jewish couples holding hand

Understanding the Role of Shivah in Jewish Mourning Practices

In Jewish tradition, mourning is not left to chance. It is structured, sacred, and deeply compassionate. One of the most essential periods in this process is shivah—a seven-day observance that begins immediately after the burial of a loved one. More than a ritual, shivah is a spiritual framework that helps mourners begin the difficult journey from loss toward healing.


We also recognize that shivah can look different across families, communities, and levels of observance. While this guide explores traditional Jewish customs, it’s important to remember that not all Jewish families observe shivah in the same way—and that’s okay. The heart of the tradition is care, remembrance, and communal support, no matter how it's expressed.


What Is Shivah?


shivah
(שִׁבְעָה) means “seven” in Hebrew, referring to the seven-day mourning period traditionally observed by the immediate family of the deceased: parents, children, siblings, and spouses. It begins after burial and marks the first official stage of Jewish mourning.


During this time, mourners become aveilim (mourners) and are supported by their community through acts of presence, prayer, and care. As Rabbi Sherre Hirsch shares, “shivah begins the moment the body is buried, and it helps the family remember there’s a reason to go on living.”


Whether observed in its full traditional form or adapted to meet personal or cultural needs, the purpose of shivah remains the same: to provide space for mourning, healing, and memory.


The Purpose of Shivah


Shivah offers mourners a protected, sacred pause. It encourages them to slow down, to be cared for by their community, and to begin processing their grief. It also offers a ritualized structure that gently supports mourners through the most immediate days of loss.


The first act in many shivah homes is a meal, brought by others, to reaffirm life. This “meal of consolation” often includes round foods—like hard-boiled eggs or lentils—symbolizing the cycle of life. Whether strictly kosher, vegetarian, or simply comforting, food becomes a vessel of love and presence, reminding mourners that they are not alone.


Traditional Shivah Practices (and How They May Vary)


In traditional Jewish communities, shivah includes specific customs meant to express grief, remove distractions, and honor the deceased. However, how—and whether—these practices are observed can vary widely. Many families adapt these rituals to reflect their beliefs, culture, or comfort level. Some may follow every detail of halachic (Jewish legal) practice, while others may embrace more symbolic, personal approaches.


Here are some of the traditional customs, along with notes on how they may be interpreted or adjusted:


  • Sitting low: Traditionally, mourners sit on low stools or the floor, symbolizing humility and sorrow. Many families choose standard seating, prioritizing comfort over symbolism.

  • Covering mirrors: In traditional shivah homes, mirrors are covered to shift the focus inward. Some may skip this custom or modify it by covering only some mirrors or using symbolic cloths.

  • Tearing garments (keriah): Mourners may wear a ripped ribbon or tear their clothing to symbolize a broken heart. Others may opt for a less visible or symbolic expression of loss.

  • Reciting Kaddish: The Mourner’s Kaddish is traditionally said daily with a minyan (a quorum of ten Jewish adults). In more liberal or secular homes, Kaddish may be recited privately, communally, or omitted altogether.

  • Pausing grooming and celebrations: Traditional mourners refrain from grooming, wearing leather, listening to music, or attending joyous events. Some families may modify or skip these restrictions based on their personal values or emotional needs.

At its core, shivah is not about strict adherence – it’s about creating space to grieve, however, that looks for each family.


The Seventh Day: Reentering the World


On the final day of shivah, a traditional custom is for mourners to take a brief walk outside—sometimes in seven loops—to symbolically reenter the world. Some may choose to observe this practice; others may prefer a different ritual of transition or none at all. The intention is to acknowledge the shift from intense mourning to the next phase of healing.


Mourning Beyond Shivah


Jewish mourning continues long after shivah. These sacred stages help guide the grieving process at a gentle pace:


  • Sheloshim (30 Days): The 23 days following shivah are a transitional period. Mourners begin to resume daily life but still refrain from festivities. Some return to work, but often avoid celebrations or large gatherings.

  • The First Year: For those mourning a parent, mourning traditionally continues for 11 months with daily Kaddish recitation. At 12 months, mourners observe yahrzeit, the anniversary of the death, with prayer, candle lighting, and reflection. Again, the level of observance varies. Some families may mark these dates with quiet personal rituals instead of communal prayer.

These practices provide a long, compassionate arc of mourning—designed not to rush grief, but to walk beside it.


Shivah Etiquette: How to Support the Bereaved


If you're visiting a shivah home or supporting someone in mourning, consider the following guidance, applicable whether you're entering a traditional home or a more modern, flexible setting:


  • Be present. You don’t need perfect words. Often, your presence and a simple “I’m so sorry” mean the most.

  • Follow the mourner’s lead. Let them guide the conversation. If they want to talk about their loved one, listen. If they need silence, honor that too.

  • Bring food or help. Practical support—meals, errands, childcare—is always appreciated.

  • Respect the tone of the home. Some shivah homes are quiet and prayerful; others are filled with storytelling, laughter, and informal gathering. Take your cues from the family.

  • Avoid clichés. Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “At least they lived a long life” can unintentionally sound like you are minimizing grief. Let your words be simple and sincere.


Why Shivah Still Matters


In an age of busyness and performative grief, shivah invites us to be still. It calls families and communities to gather, not just in sadness, but in sacred remembrance. It acknowledges that grief deserves time and care, that no one should mourn alone, and that memory is a form of love that continues.


Whether you observe shivah traditionally, adapt it to suit your needs, or simply show up for someone who is grieving—know that you are participating in one of Judaism’s most enduring and compassionate rituals.


If a loved one has recently passed away and you are seeking support, Hillside Memorial Park and Mortuary holds a monthly grief group for those navigating loss. Led by Maggi Scharf, M.Ed., CPCC, Certified Grief Educator,  each group meeting is designed to help participants explore the healing process in the company of others sharing similar experiences and can be joined on our site.

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August 19, 2025
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As the Jewish year of 5786 approaches, the turning of the calendar offers more than just a date change—it invites us into a sacred cycle of learning, reflection, and growth. In Judaism, each year is an opportunity to reconnect with our traditions, our community, and ourselves. Hillside Memorial Park and Mortuary spoke with Sarah Grondlund Jacob, our Community Liaison, to explore the deeper meaning of this moment in the Jewish year, as well as how this year’s calendar theme, Hatikvah —“The Hope”—inspires us to move forward together. A Year in the Life of the Torah At its most fundamental level, the Jewish year represents a complete cycle of reading the Torah from beginning to end. “The one thing that always happens,” Sarah explains, “is that it starts and ends with the beginning and the end of the Torah. And each week, we progress one Torah portion forward.” This steady rhythm ties the passage of time to the foundation of Jewish life and ensures that, throughout the year, we encounter the full breadth of Jewish teaching—whether or not the Torah portion aligns with the season in which the events took place. Marking Time by the Moon The Jewish calendar follows the lunar cycle, with each new month beginning at the Rosh Chodesh —the appearance of a new moon. Sarah notes the beauty of this symbolism: “It’s not actually a new moon; it’s the same moon that was just a sliver a few days ago. It disappears, but we have this confidence it will come back.” Unlike the unchanging sun, the moon waxes and wanes, reminding us that change and renewal are part of life. This cycle shapes not only our months but also the timing of our holidays, weaving the natural world into the spiritual rhythm of the year. Preparing the Heart for the New Year While Rosh Hashanah marks the formal beginning of the Jewish year, preparation begins a month earlier during Elul . This is a time for self-examination and tshuva —returning to one’s best self. “You have the ability to go to someone you’ve hurt, say you’re sorry, and change for the better,” Sarah says. “You’re not stuck in a cycle of hurting someone again and again.” The practice of seeking forgiveness, making amends, and setting intentions for the year ahead transforms the High Holy Days into a deeply personal journey toward growth and reconciliation. The Enduring Power of Hope This year’s Hillside calendar takes inspiration from Hatikvah , Israel’s national anthem, whose name means “The Hope.” For Sarah, the theme resonates beyond national borders. “Even now that we have Israel as a homeland, it’s not guaranteed—it’s something we continue to hope for and nurture. That hope keeps going.” She reflects on the idea of Jewish “peoplehood,” which transcends geography and observance levels: “We are still the same people, even with differences. The hope is for the continuation of this peoplehood.” Looking Ahead with Intention  As we begin 5786, the Jewish New Year invites us to embrace the cycles that define our lives—of study, of renewal, of relationship, and of hope. Whether we look to the steady return of the moon, the rhythm of Torah readings, or the call of Hatikvah , each offers a reminder that the year ahead is a gift and a responsibility. We invite you to begin the new year with our 5786 calendar to mark Jewish holidays throughout the year, parsha candle lighting times, and more.
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