Losing a loved one is already one of the most difficult experiences any of us can go through, but it is particularly challenging for children. Especially if it is the first time they are facing the finality and pain of someone’s passing. While we cannot protect children from death, and the end of life’s cycle coming into our lives, we can help them understand the difficult emotions that come with it. Below, we’ve provided some suggestions for guiding your child through their grieving process.
Manage Your Own Emotions
If someone close to you has died, it is okay to shed tears in front of your child. Showing that death is sad is just as important as explaining that it is final. While it’s okay to show sadness, try to maintain a sense of calm to reassure your child. If you are overwhelmed by your feelings, it can make an already scary moment even more frightening for the child. By modeling healthy grief and showing your feelings are okay to express and manageable, you can help your child feel in control of their own.
Be Transparent
When you tell your child about the passing of a loved one, be direct and transparent about what has happened. Saying a loved one has “passed away” or is “sleeping” can be confusing to young children. Don’t be afraid to use the word “death” and to explain that your child will not be seeing this person anymore because they have died.
Older children may deserve to know more about the specific circumstances of a death. While explaining more can feel painful, it can be beneficial to share important details. Children have powerful imaginations and withholding important information can lead them to ruminate. Giving them the truth can protect them from imagining the worst and more importantly, builds their trust in you to help them navigate difficult experiences.
Get Them Help if Possible
While grieving with their parents and other family members is important to the process, this is not something that has to “stay in the family.” A therapist can help your child navigate grief by helping them talk through difficult emotions. If your child is going through grief for the first time, a professional can help ensure it is a healthy part of their long term development and provide you with help and resources as a grieving parent.
Seeking professional help doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. In fact, it shows you’re committed to doing what’s best for your child’s emotional health. Sometimes, a therapist can offer tools and perspectives that are difficult for families to provide during their own grief. Reaching out for help demonstrates strength and the understanding that grieving is a process that can benefit from additional support.
Give Them Space
Children of all ages navigate grief differently. Young children may speak about it more frequently in everyday conversation and incorporate death in games or drawings as they process it. Older children may internalize more of their feelings. They may want to consult with friends and be more selective about what they’re willing to share with you – at least at first. While processing grief with your guidance is crucial, so is processing it on their own. Give your older child the space to internalize it and let them come back to you when they’re ready.
Give Them Time
Just like adults, children need time to fully process grief. It is an open wound that may take a long while to close. However, children also experience emotions differently than adults. They may not feel grief as deeply as you and may move through it sooner. In other cases, grief can be even more traumatic for children than it is for adults, and it may take them longer to integrate it into their everyday thinking. Both are okay, and there is no “correct” timetable for their grieving process. The most important thing you can do is to remain present, patient, and open to their needs as they work through their feelings. In doing so, you not only help them heal but also foster resilience and emotional understanding that will benefit them throughout life.